i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
