I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize