If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
