Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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