I'm going to jail i love you
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
