I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
