I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
