My liver just broke up with me...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
