I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
