My friends, they love my intelligence
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
