That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
