Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
