"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
