walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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