Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
