Christians are straight up FREAKS
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
