Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
