You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
