i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
