I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
