how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
