My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
