I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
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