I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
