Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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