did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
