She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
