i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
