I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
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It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
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I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.