Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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