Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
