you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
