last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
