i just had sex bonerless
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
