I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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