I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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