Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
