On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
