i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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