Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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