I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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