dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Sober January is a disaster.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
