tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Where is the hickey?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
