just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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