there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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