im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
