i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize