Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
