I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
