I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I think I just sharted jello shots
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