Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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