If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
