just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
