Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
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Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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