Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.