I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.