Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.