I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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