Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
